However, this does not always mean that we totally agree with each other’s decisions.  But, I find myself in those times trying to understand the situation from all sides of the issue.  For me, I truly believe that I am to support my husband as his leadership partner and as his wife.  So I find that I want to show others a different perspective on why he may be feeling the way that he is, or why he chose to make a decision that some might not agree with.  That doesn’t mean that there have not been times when we have not seen eye to eye on an issue, but when this happens I don’t disagree or argue with him publically.  This verse has always helped guide me in these situations and have reminded me of my support and love for my husband, Proverbs 18:21, “The tongue has the power of life and death, meaning your words have an impact.”  I make sure that once we are away from those that we minister to that I discuss with him any concerns or questions that I have.  This allows him to explain his reasoning for certain decisions and allows me to share my thoughts with him as well.

One way we have learned to deal with these issues is to actually deal with the issue, rather than just ignoring and suppressing them.  If we start to argue in front of others my main concern would be that those we are trying to lead would begin to get concerned that we are a house divided and that there may be major issues in our marriage leading us unfit for leadership.  We definitely are not perfect, and we do have our ups and downs, but in the end of the day I know that my husband has a vision and calling from God on ministry and our marriage, and we will strive to work together as one.

I want to be the person that supports him the most on this vision and calling, but also to show others that I believe in what God has told him to do.   The years that we have been in ministry together I have seen how being supporting and living out Proverbs 18:21 has strengthened our marriage and our communication.  Yet, we are also well aware that Satan loves to see division in marriages and ministry and because of this we understand how important it is to present a united front to our ministry volunteers.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen “ (Ephesians 4:29).

Deborah Rhodes has been married to Matt Rhodes, Youth Pastor at Harvest Church, (www.harvestchurchlive.com) for five years.  She graduated from Southern Wesleyan University with a Major in Bible with a Concentration in Youth Ministries.  Deborah and Matt just had a little baby girl, Annabeth Marie born on July, 2011.

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Soul+Mates is a ministry designed for individuals and families serving in vocational ministry. It exists to encourage, strengthen, develop and foster healthy spiritual lives, marriages, relationships, and families. Each newsletter features articles, tips, and resources to aid in the enjoyment and not-so-fun times of ministry life.

I’ve heard, read, and said, “I’m not the typical pastor’s wife” so many times, I’ve started to wonder if she really ever existed at all…or if she really only existed in people’s minds and expectations.

Some ladies say that as a badge of honor. Most, like me, say it with the guilty knowledge that we aren’t measuring up…that somehow God messed up when He called us to leadership because we just aren’t “typical.”

We spend mass amounts of time, energy, emotion, and effort comparing ourselves to a myth. And the problem is…I fall short. My attention turns to my shortcomings and failings instead of staying focused on God and who He created me to be.

But the truth is God knew exactly what He was doing…exactly who He was calling. He knows my shortcomings and my struggles, and He has extended His call to leadership and ministry anyway.

Maybe “typical” isn’t what I thought…maybe there is a new typical. Maybe I’m typical. The more I talk to pastors’ wives, the more I realize how alike we are.

Regardless of: Age. Location. Denomination. Church Style. Church Size. I’ve noticed that we all seem to have the same questions. The same struggles. The same difficulties.

We are trying to serve God to the best of our abilities while navigating the challenges of leadership and the pulls of life. Sure, it looks different for everyone, but we are working it out.

So I think I’m just going to let what I thought was the “typical” pastor’s wife go by the wayside and link arms with other Christian women, who like me, are just doing our best trying to figure life and leadership out.

I’m going to embrace the knowledge that maybe I am typical…a woman wanting to know Jesus, support my husband, love my children, care for our church, wrestle with my own shortcomings, grow in love and grace, keep my head up during the tough times, acknowledge that I won’t be all things to all people, be available to fellow-strugglers, and embrace who God made me to be.

I am not prefect. But I may well be typical…and that is fine by me.

Perhaps you recently met someone who caught your interest, and you’re hoping that with time you’ll be able to discern if the relationship should move toward marriage.

Or maybe you’ve been dating for quite some time now. You’ve identified the other person’s strengths, but have also discovered some traits that leave you scratching your head.

In either case, you have probably found that many forces push you forward in your relationship.

Time can seem more like an enemy than an ally. You may fear that you’re not getting any younger. Well-meaning friends and relatives might be inquiring about your love life, wondering when you plan on taking “the plunge.” Your own sense of loneliness and that God-given desire for connection can nudge you further in a relationship until the steps toward the altar just seem to get easier and easier. Let’s say you’re already in love. Talk about an influence that changes behavior! Few factors have more horse power than romance. Even books on the subject of dating and marriage can convey a subtle expectation to keep moving forward: “Trust God,” “differences are good,” and “hey, nobody’s perfect.”

All of that’s true. The forces that compel you to move forward are not out to destroy you. But with so many of them urging you toward marriage, it’s wise to pause and ask yourself some questions that might prevent heartache down the road. You need to decide what to do with this relationship; no other person can make that decision for you. As a counselor, I’ve spoken with people who didn’t take the time to think through their relationship. They acted solely on their feelings and tied the knot. Once married, they wanted to be faithful to that covenant, but they experienced difficulties that could have been avoided.

I’m grateful for their commitment to marriage and the desire to be faithful “till death us do part.” Once a couple has committed at the altar – short of a few biblical exceptions – that is indeed the true path of faithfulness. But how would their lives have turned out had they taken the time to explore the red flags that were at least partially visible? Facing pain can certainly refine us, but we don’t get extra credit for walking into it, especially when it can be avoided.

Marriage is great; it’s a fantastic gift from God. My hope is that many of you do move forward and make that promise for life. But I’ve heard it said: “I’d rather be single and wish I were married, than married and wish I were single.” It’s one thing to be lonely alone, it’s an even more distressing experience to be with someone and still be lonely. Now is the time to look carefully at who you will marry – not after rings are exchanged! Even if you’re in a great relationship, asking yourself the tough questions now will only create a greater level of confidence and appreciation if you do decide to marry.

Every potential mate has a deficiency. It’s called sin. Romans 3:10 says, “There is no one righteous, not even one.” Every single romantic relationship has been impacted by the foolishness of two rebellious hearts! If you’re looking for the perfect mate, stop. You won’t find him. She doesn’t exist.

Some will say, “Since no one’s perfect, it really doesn’t matter who I chose to marry. We’re all flawed.” Some will even take it a step further and say, “It’s about being the right person, not finding the right person.” Yes, there’s some truth there, but the Bible makes distinctions between the foolish and the wise. Though we all are a mixture of both, there are some qualitative differences between people. It does matter who you marry!

When we’re excited about a relationship, it’s easy to overlook the red flags that at least need to be explored. We want to be married; this special person makes us feel wonderful (at least most of the time). We know some things about this person, but we sometimes fill in the gaps with what we want him or her to be like. Yet we often don’t fill them in accurately. As you continue to read, please do so with an open mind. You just might find that some of the red flags actually relate to you, not your significant other.

[by Glenn Lutjens, from www.focusonthefamily.com]

Once in bed, Ian, our youngest son, starts in with his two-year-old version of whispering. I roll over and pull the covers tight to subtly tell Anne and Ian to keep it down (Failure #2). After a few minutes in that position, I realize he’s not going to be quiet or lay still – which both of us have asked him to do several times. I groggily slither out of bed and head for the closet to get dressed so I can take Ian downstairs.

When I get downstairs, I pull out some muffins and milk for Ian and then head to the basement to watch whatever is on TV at 5:30 a.m. so I can lie down for a few more minutes. I decide I’ll get Anne’s coffee in a little bit (Failure #3).

In just seven minutes, I’ve failed to show my wife love in the same way Jesus loves me! It may seem harsh to beat myself up like this, right? Wrong! If I was really intentional about loving my wife like Jesus loves me, I would have 1) hopped out of bed to try and catch Ian before he woke Anne; 2) taken him into the closet with me while I got dressed, so not to bother his mom; and 3) started the coffee and made Anne a cup so it was waiting when she got up to get in the shower.

Did you see yourself in my situation? If you don’t have kids or it’s been some time since you were there, you can make up another circumstance. This same mentality, where it’s much easier to do the selfish thing, can creep into every part of your day. But, Jesus has set an example for us to follow. And, the first place he wants us to put this into place is in our marriage. The Bible very specifically compares Christ’s relationship with the church directly to the relationship between husband and wife. And as we examine the characteristics of Jesus, we discover exactly what we must do so our spouse will see Christ in us.

It’s not just about being unselfish. If you really want your spouse to see Jesus in you, you have to genuinely put into practice an attitude of becoming more like Christ in everything you do. This is not a simple, one-time event; it is an everyday struggle. It’s not easy to act like Jesus in every situation. In fact, it’s notably difficult. We live in a world where it’s much easier to do what feels good or take the easy way out. But, becoming more like Jesus involves sacrificial love; it takes a servant’s heart; it means forgiving when it’s not easy to forgive; and it takes a concerted effort toward humility and self-forgetfulness!

[by Matthew J. White, www.focusonthefamily.com]

For decades, working moms have complained about the difficulty of balancing work and family life. Recent surveys indicate that working fathers are now voicing the same concern. Because of the demands of their jobs, many men are having trouble finding the time to play and talk with their kids, to help them with their homework, and to do all the things they believe a great dad does.

Unfortunately, according to James A. Levine, author of Working Fathers (Perseus Press), many dads have opted to find time for their children by taking it away from their wives.

Neglecting your spouse is not just bad for your marriage; it’s also troubling for your children. Kids hurt when their parents’ marriage suffers, and they often bear the brunt of any ill feelings their parents have toward one another. And when they detect trouble between their parents, children feel insecure. Many children head to school in the morning anxiously wondering if their parents will still be together when they return home in the evening.

When a child senses Mom and Dad are drifting apart, he may act out in ways that bring his parents together by making them focus on his problem. Any number of problems may occur: misbehaving at school, bed wetting, neglecting homework, even using drugs. Counselors often treat children’s problems by helping their parents deal with marital issues.

Whatever you do to balance the demands of being a parent with being employed, don’t do it at the expense of your marriage. Many husbands are employing the following four strategies to avoid doing this. Which do you – or could you – use?

1. Spend time together as a family. A survey of parents by Baby Talk magazine confirmed the obvious: When baby arrives, couples have less conversation, intimacy, lovemaking, spontaneity, and romance. Still, you can enjoy some great moments with your wife while you’re bathing the kids, getting them ready for bed, playing games, walking, or cycling.

2. Create some private moments together. You still need some time without the kids. It takes privacy, as well as time, to nourish your love and passion. Combine working around the house with working on your relationship. Instead of dividing up the chores, do them together. For people in love, just being in the same room can foster a feeling of closeness.

3. Schedule time alone together each day to catch up on each others’ feelings, experiences, and thoughts. Communication is a key to a great marriage. Getting young children to bed early can help make this happen.

4. Plan a regular date night to help keep romance alive. Having raised four children, my wife and I attribute our present fantastic relationship to our commitment to reserving one night a week for just the two of us. We had picnics, went to movies, or did something that got us out of the house for some fun, spontaneity, and intimacy.

Couples especially need to be careful not to neglect being alone together when their children are young. I’ve known of couples who, after having a baby, hadn’t been on a date with each other for several years. Worried about leaving their child with someone else, they unnecessarily endangered and sacrificed their own relationship.

There are scores of other ways to keep the luster on your marriage: writing notes, phoning, faxing, and e-mailing each other, for example.

Dads, do your kids a favor, will you? Keep loving their mom, and take time to show her.

[written by Charles Sell, www.lifeway.com and Homelife magazine ]

Do you wonder how you can help friends and family members who are struggling in marriage? Here are some time-tested tips and resources to move them away from divorce court and toward reconciliation.

1. Pray for them by name. Ask God to intervene in their marriage. Ask God to give you and others wisdom to know how to help. Pray in their presence as well as when alone. Send emails and note cards of encouragement.
2. Listen. Listening doesn’t mean simply hearing. It involves empathizing, seeking to understand and expressing genuine interest.
3. Don’t give advice. Your main job is listening. Leave the advice giving to a pastor, counselor or mentor.
4. Don’t make the problem worse. Don’t allow your support to be seen as an encouragement to give up or get a divorce. Your job is to help steer them toward the proper help and reconciliation (If addiction or abuse is involved, make sure they get the professional help they need and are safe).
5. Help them think outside the divorce box. Booklets such as When Your Marriage Needs Help, Should I Get a Divorce, and Marriage and Conflict can give couples both research and practical advice to help them consider the facts about divorce and how to get the help they need for their marriage.
6. Help them find the right help. Locate a good, licensed Christian counselor in their area. Ask your pastor or Christian M.D. for a referral. Focus on the Family offers a free counseling consult as well as a free referral service to a Focus-screened marriage therapist.
7. Connect them with a mentor couple. If you are not qualified to help, call your pastor to recommend an older couple who is willing to mentor a younger couple.
8. Refer them to helpful Web sites. Web sites such as Troubled With, Pure Intimacy and FocusOnTheFamily.com offer hundreds of articles, practical advice and resource recommendations on various marriage issues. Focus also offers a Marriage Forum designed to give couples a safe place to talk about struggles and successes in their marriage.
9. Encourage them to work on their problems and not simply expect them to be solved on their own. Focus offers an online Marriage Checkup which measures over 18 major areas of marriage — identifying both strengths and weaknesses. This is a good place for a couple to start in addition to working with a professional counselor.
10. Refer them to solid Christian-based books and seminars. Visit our Family Store for marriage books, broadcast CDs and resources to strengthen a couple’s faith through a difficult time. Key resources like Yes, Your Marriage Can Be Saved, Love and Respect, Love Must Be Tough, First Five Years of Marriage, Help! We are Drifting Apart, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage and others can provide needed encouragement and direction.

Running has always been, if not a passion, a deeply felt need of my husband’s. Along with keeping in shape, it is his way to unwind, de-stress, and get alone with God. He had explained his joy of running very clearly to me, several times, but all I could hear was some form of gobbledygook. Really. It was beyond my ability to fathom that anyone not being chased by a starving lion would choose to run. For pleasure.

But I loved him, so I was resigned to the fact that he would disappear from our home a few evenings a week, only to return panting, dripping in sweat, and wearing a contented look on his face. I didn’t get it. Not only did I fail to enjoy running, I just couldn’t run. Sure, I could hold my own in a game of chase with my youngest boys. But they’re ages five and two.

So no one was more surprised than I was when, one day during a vacation stay with my parents, my husband jokingly asked if I wanted to go running with him. And I said, “Sure, why not?”

Maybe it was just a brain lapse, or an opportunity for us to sneak off without the kids, who knows? But I couldn’t believe I was actually raiding my mom’s closet for sneakers and sweats to borrow.

Once my bemused husband saw that I was dressed and honestly intended to at least step out the door with him, he stopped his snickering and became my coach. He assured me that we were going to start out very slowly—good news to my ears.

Our “speed” was so slow, I’m sure it looked like I was running in slow motion while the rest of the world clipped along at a normal pace. But before we had gone even one block, my body objected. Right away my heart and lungs were pounding, screaming, and angrily demanding, Where’s the fire?! Where’s the starving lion?

But then just when I thought a collapse was coming, my ears were distracted by the voice of my husband. Somehow, miraculously, this guy beside me had enough extra oxygen to actually talk while running. He started sharing everything he knew about running: how to swing your arms, maintain your pace, breathe. The distraction was good for me mentally, and I hoped he’d ramble on the whole time. But soon he wasn’t just informing me; he started to encourage me.

With each “You’re doing great!” and “Keep going!” my pessimism toward running grew weaker. Of course, my lungs were still screaming ugly things at me, but my mind wasn’t listening to them anymore. My husband’s sweaty face turned and beamed at me. I didn’t have the energy to smile back, but my heart was moved. Just hearing him say, “You’re going farther than I thought you would!” and “I’m proud of you, honey!” made me pump my legs another stretch of road.

Although his encouraging words didn’t transform my body, they did transform my will. Had I been running by myself, I would have given up after that first block—but his praise pushed me on. Miracle of miracles, I was making myself run. And no one was chasing me!

What happened to me?

The surprise of my first run lingered well after we finished. The praise lavished on me by my stunned husband was worth the sore legs. And you know what? The next day I asked him if he wanted to run with me. (I know, beam me up now, Mothership.) As I stretched aching muscles that second day, I quietly marveled over what I’d accomplished. Yet I wasn’t amazed at my own new sportin’ bad self so much as I was amazed at the fuel of my husband’s words. They’d gotten me to do something I’d previously loathed and thought impossible.

The real test came once we returned home from our vacation. The reality of young children at home meant my husband and I would not have the opportunity to run together. I’d have to leave my own personal coach behind and go by myself. It would have been easy to come up with an excuse to no longer run. Kids, busy schedules, suppertime, global warming—I could have used anything. Further, the magic of our vacation was gone. We were smack back in the middle of life.

But I knew I had to try it again. I had learned that my body could actually participate in (and survive) this mystery known as “jogging.” Most of all, experiencing the feeling of accomplishment and praise from my husband washing over me afterwards was something I didn’t want to let go. So I ran.

I hadn’t gone far by myself when I started to understand why running was a type of “quiet time” for my spouse. At first it was a spiritual experience for me just because of the Help me, Lord! Help me, Lord! mantra I silently repeated with each step. But as I went on, I was able to form other prayers, and more importantly, I began to listen to God. With my body and breathing fully occupied, he had my complete attention—and it had been a long time since that had happened.

Then I realized God and I weren’t completely alone. Although I couldn’t see my husband’s sweaty face, his words were right there with me. I could so clearly hear his praise and admonition racing through my brain. As I ran that first time by myself, I realized again the power of words, of praise, of encouraging another soul to go the distance, whatever the race may be.

“This, Lord,” I realized as I prayed, “this must be why in your word I read encourage so often. This is why it is so important to you that we strengthen each other with our words. You’ve got me now, Lord. Tell me how you want me to encourage my husband, my family, and others.” As I made it back home, I realized I had learned something more than just how to run. And I realized that my husband had given me one of my best presents ever. His gift came in the form of words. Encouragement. Life-changing, you-can-do-the-impossible, I’ll-be-right-here-with-you encouragement.

Kim Neessen lives in Iowa with her husband and sons. She teaches and directs a preschool, which also keeps her running.

Copyright © 2010 by the author or Christianity Today International/Kyria.com.