I just celebrated my 20th year of ministry at my church. Yep—that’s 20 consecutive years at the same church. For my anniversary, the staff assembled a memory book filled with photographs and letters from people I’ve been privileged to do ministry with over the years. Some were from people who’ve been my mentors, and others were from children who grew up at my church, volunteers, parents, and current and former staff members.

I must admit that I went through a box of tissues as I read through those pages. The sentiments that stood out to me most were, “You’ve left an imprint on me,” “You impacted my life,” “You’ve been a mentor and friend.” Wow—me, a mentor? I guess the word mentor just seems like what other people are to me; older people who have a lot of experience and wisdom, far more than someone like me.

Perhaps mentoring can seem like an intimidating prospect when you think of it in formal terms, but in daily life you may already be a mentor. The best person to define mentoring isn’t the mentor—it’s the person being mentored. That’s because what matters most isn’t whether you see yourself in the role of a mentor, but whether someone else sees you as one. When someone ascribes the title mentor to you, knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or unintentionally, you’re impacting that person’s life. Here’s how to make the most of your influence as a mentor.

Mentoring Myths—Busted

Often misconceptions and fears hinder great people with a lot to offer from pursuing mentoring relationships. Perhaps you recognize these common internal doubts.

What do I really have to offer?

One primary reason people don’t actively seek out mentoring opportunities is they don’t think they have anything valuable to pass on. They feel as though they haven’t got it all figured out yet or that they still have so much to learn. But a mentor is someone who’s just a step ahead of the mentee—and, yes, someone who’s still learning. As the saying goes, “Hindsight is always 20/20.” Mentors simply share their hindsight, the understanding that’s brought to bear as a result of the passage of time.

I’ve never even had a mentor.

Most of us have never had a formal mentor relationship. The very word mentor sounds so ominous. How can you be something you’ve never experienced? Fear of the unknown keeps us from doing so many things in life, including mentoring. Reality is, formal mentoring relationships are few and far between, yet all of us have had people in our lives who’ve impacted us in significant ways. Informal mentoring happens around us all the time; we just don’t often recognize it as that.

What if I don’t live up to expectations?

The fear of people “finding out” who we really are and realizing that we aren’t what they expected is a huge—and unfounded—hindrance. Simply put, you have to get over yourself. People seeking a mentor aren’t looking for a picture-perfect, airbrushed model; they want someone they can relate to in life and in ministry. They want people who, just like them, struggle with real-life issues. They want people who from time to time blow it big—and still live to tell about it.

Marks of a Mentor

Good mentors have character, and that character is what mentees are interested in and intrigued by. Here are the key character traits all mentors need.

• Authenticity—Have you ever had a good friend pull you aside and whisper, “Hey, you have mustard on your chin”? You recall in utter embarrassment the meetings you sat through, the people you passed in the hall, and the conversations you had at the copy machine. Why didn’t someone tell me sooner? you wonder. The mark of a good mentor is a willingness to be honest. A mentor is willing to point out the mustard on your chin—and those areas in life and ministry that everyone sees but no one has the guts to talk about.
• Unpretentiousness—Mentors are also real about their personal lives. They use wise discretion to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. They allow others to see their struggles as well as their stresses. They don’t have it all together—and they don’t pretend they do. There’s no pretense about a mentor; what you see is what you get. Mentors are open, honest, and transparent. 
• Respectability—Good mentors are widely respected by others. Two characteristics of church leaders mentioned in 1 Timothy 3:2 deal with respectability: “The overseer must be above reproach…and respectable.” This sense of respectability goes beyond church to include the community. First Timothy 3:7 says, “He must have a good reputation with outsiders.” Good mentors have good reputations in Christian circles and beyond. Their character is unquestionable. 
• Reliability—Mentors are people you can count on, people who are deeply committed to you, people who genuinely care about your personal and professional development. Reliable mentors embrace you like family. The Apostle Paul spoke of his young protégé Timothy as his “true son in the faith” (1 Timothy 1:2) and his “dear son” (2 Timothy 1:2). So it is with those who mentor well.
• People friendliness—Good mentors are good with people. They may not be the loudest voice in a room, but they’re certainly a sought-out voice. Part of them longs to be around people. They enjoy talking and listening to others. They make significant connections with people that go beyond a surface, “Hi, how are you?” They ask more questions than they talk about themselves. They enjoy enlarging others’ lives.

Mentors maintain a vast network of relational resources. This network is what leads people to say, “It isn’t what you know, but who you know.” Mentors with relationships outside the organization can connect protégés to a broader learning community.

• Leadership—A mentor can show the way. Paul said to the Philippians, “Join with others in following my example, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you” (Philippians 3:17). Several times throughout the epistles Paul echoes the sentiment, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ.” In this way mentors live a life that is contagious, a life that others want to imitate. They invite you to go with them, to watch them deal with a difficult situation or observe them teaching a large group. They say as Paul said, “Whatever you’ve learned or received or heard from me or seen in me, put into practice” (Philippians 4:9).

The Mentor List

Mentoring requires you to intentionally pour into another person’s life. Here are tactics and tips to live by when you become a mentor.

• Share your life. Mentors spend regular time with their protégés simply “doing life together.” What this looks like depends on the protégé’s season of life. A mentor must wear many different hats along the way. Some include being a source of information, sharing wisdom, giving feedback, acting as a sounding board, listening in time of need or personal crisis, nurturing curiosity, or teaching a skill. Mentor and protégé journey along life’s way together.
• Ask questions. Mentors often feel the way to help is to give answers, share insights, or simply make suggestions. The tendency toward solving problems in a 30-minute “session” drives mentors to tell rather than ask. But it takes concerted effort to discipline yourself to ask probing questions rather than give ready-made answers. By asking questions, mentors allow protégés to explore their own thoughts and feelings on issues and gain needed clarity to make decisions for themselves.

The ultimate goal of asking questions isn’t merely to get people to talk; it’s to cultivate growth and awareness. Think about this: The CEOs of top Fortune 500 companies named what contributed most to their success as leaders in a recent survey. A large percentage listed an effective mentor as one of the key contributing factors. When asked what made these mentors so effective, these CEOs answered most commonly that the mentors asked great questions. Asking good questions doesn’t always come naturally; you’ve got to be intentional and thoughtful about the questions you ask. For great questions, go to childrensministry.com/current/mentor_questions.

• Provide resources. Mentors can provide valuable resources to someone who’s stuck in a situation he or she can’t see beyond. Good mentors are a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and resources. They usually have an article or book you should read, a tape you should listen to, a Web site you should visit, or a person you just have to meet.

• • •

Mentoring is about relationships. In an age of instant messaging, online banking, and home grocery delivery, we can practically live life without ever leaving home. Relationships are virtual, screen names are whatever you want them to be, and connections can be lost with the simple click of a button. Mentoring challenges our current way of thinking about relationships. It moves us away from our computer screens and back into each other’s lives.

Mentoring relationships can have a profound and enduring impact on mentees and mentors. Though few of us feel like mentors, we usually are without ever realizing it. Any time you significantly, positively impact someone’s life, you’ve been a mentor.

Mentoring is influence. A mentor’s influence far exceeds personal reach. Mentoring relationships are a vital means of ensuring that today’s leaders finish well—and that a future generation of leaders is poised to take their place.

Reprinted by permission, Children’s Ministry Magazine, Copyright 2010, Group Publishing Inc., Box 481, Loveland, CO 80539 www.childrensministry.com

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